Am I Being Sexist?

There's this thought that has been running through the back of my mind lately concerning the interactions between men and women. No, it's not a dirty thought which is surprising and somewhat scary since that may be an indication that I'm getting old. Perhaps I may need to visit the doctor on that one. Seriously though, here's the deal.

I've seen a lot of examples of men interacting with women over the years, both when they are face to face and also behind the doors of the "men only" clubhouse. In other words, how men act and what they say in front of women and then how they act and talk when those women aren't around. To be honest with you, it disgusts me. I'm no saint; I can swear and say some pretty nasty stuff myself concerning women. Sometimes even shock the shockers. But it's usually in a context not directed at a specific person and meant more to simply shock rather than show a reflection on myself. But when I see and hear how too many men are, it starts to get really irritating because it's all so fake.

With that in mind, over the years I've found myself becoming more protective of women. I have a lot of friends that are female and I have to say, I think I've given them more relationship and dating advice than I have to the guys I know. Hell, I was giving dating advice to my ex-wife after the divorce. How messed up is that! But the advice is more along the lines of letting them into the "men only" clubhouse. Telling them what may really be going on. The reason for this is because I feel sorry for these women and don't want to see them getting taken advantage of by some ignoramus whose brain evolved in the wrong piece of anatomy. It's also because I don't want to hear a friend of mine talked about that way. It really comes down to just respect for another human being.

So here's the problem. I'm wondering if perhaps I've gone so far over in the opposite direction that I'm actualy being sexist but in a different way. See, I'm not sure if I'm looking at it as respect for another human being or if I'm looking at it as "these weak, gullible, defenseless women need my help". That makes me wonder; am I being just as bad as the men I despise? Am I a sexist also?

I forgot about this...

I was going through old emails looking for a specific one I wrote last year. But I found one I had forgotten all about. While I was deployed, I met someone on-line and from a few short emails, a long conversation started. We laughed, we cried, we talked. Oh man did, we talk. This person has become a very good friend since those times. I still call just to chit chat and end up spending a few hours on the phone talking about everything.

The great thing about our emails to each other is that they were rapid and long. I could always expect to wake up in the morning to the message "Good Morning, Sunshine!" which, despite detecting the sarcasm in the words, always brought a smile to my face. There would be emails fired off all day with most as replies to a previous one, forming chains. Since I was a little more than 8 hours ahead of the States that meant that we were writing to each other at all hours. For me, those emails made the time go by faster and were an escape from the day to day life of a deployment. For that, I owe this person much gratitude.

Below is one of those emails. The original email was titled "LMAO" ( Laugh My Ass Off ) and had started as a response to something I had written that made this person laugh. The day before I wrote this, I had found out about Rahmeen passing away and had mentioned it, that was email#8 in this chain. In #11, she told me how a friend's son had committed suicide and how she felt. What I have pasted below is the twelfth and final email of "LMAO". Maybe someone will read this at a time when they need that little boost to keep going.

RE:LMAO


I'm sorry for your friend's loss. Though they will have to live with this, they should not blame themselves. There is only so much a person can do for others. Ultimately, it is each of us as individuals that decide how we live our lives. Others may offer something, but it is you and you alone who decides whether or not to accept it. That is the burden of being a parent, friend, husband, wife and leader. Things happen for a reason and no matter how hard you try to change it, if it is meant to happen then it will. That is the side of life that sucks.

I'm also sorry if I made you cry the other day. I didn't mean to. But I am happy that you did and happy that you got angry. Because it means that you care about more than yourself and those close to you. That gives me faith and hope that this world hasn't totally gone to hell.

I'm going to type out a poem for you that a friend of mine gave me over here. Maybe it will help you someday. Consider it a gift. It's called "Desiderata".

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there
may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with
all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to
the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive
persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always
there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements
as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is
a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not
this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and
everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it
is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress
yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the
universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And
whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever
your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be
cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

I think you've had enough emotional news these past few days. If you write back before I write again, start a fresh email. I will do the same. LMAO is old. Take care and stay warm ( just trying to help you think Fall is here).

Chris

Where do we go from here?

" Well, I guess I'll be busy tonight visiting all the convenience stores and beating people up." said the ignorant ass I worked with shortly after 9/11. "Really? But not everyone working at a convenience store is a Muslim. How will you know which ones to beat up?" I asked. "Easy, if they're wearing a turban, they get beat up." He said. " You idiot, Sikhs wear turbans. They didn't do this." I said, "You're going to beat up the wrong people. Since you don't know anything, let me help you. First we'll go to the restaurant I hang out at. The owner is a friend of mine and Muslim. Then we can go to this other restaurant where a friend of mine works as a waiter. He's Muslim too. Afterwards, we can go to my home and you can beat up my wife".


I didn't think of today's date right away this morning. It hit me on the drive to work. When I realized what day it was I had been mulling over a subject that has been part of several conversations I've been having lately with several people at different times and places. The subject was if life was predetermined. Several nights ago, I couldn't sleep; too much thinking lately. I was hungry so I made something to eat and went on Yahoo. While I was eating I saw an update on a blog I read, so I checked it out. It had been posted three hours earlier. The post was nothing but a question; "Do we shape our own destinies, or is everything predefined and we just have to walk blindfolded in this journey of life?" This was eerie because at the exact time this post was published to the site, I had been discussing this very same subject with a friend of mine. It's been on my mind these past few days, among other things. So I'm wearing a uniform driving to a job at an organization that is part of a war that didn't really start on 9/11 but certainly escalated that day. And I asked myself "How did I get here"?


The Personal:


As complicated as my life was up until 10 September 2001, those complications magnified ten fold on the 11th of September because the next day, 12 September 2001 , I got married to a woman who was Turkish ... and Muslim. There are a myriad of issues that arise in an intercultural/inter-religious marriage which I'll not get into at this time because it's a topic that would require a whole other post. But those issues exist and would have existed in our marriage whether 9/11 happened or not. Those difficulties became more complex on 9/11 and new issues arose for our marriage on that specific day, even though we weren't married yet. Muslims carried out the attacks and did so in the name of Islam. Because they did so in the name of Islam, their actions were in the name of or on behalf of Muslims, at least from the perpetrators point of view. Was I at the World Trade Center or the Pentagon when the attacks happened? No, but I was attacked because the targets weren't so much the buildings but ideas, beliefs, culture and so on that were associated with those buildings. Because I am an American, I am associated with those symbols. That put me in the camp of the attacker's enemy which in turn made them my enemy. The woman who would be my wife the next day was Muslim. Since the attacks were carried out on the behalf of Muslims, they were carried out on behalf of her. This put her in the camp of my enemy and so made her my enemy... in theory. She wasn't of course because I loved her. How could she be my enemy if I loved her? It makes no sense. Because I loved her I wanted to protect her from those that would do her harm. You don't protect your enemies. My, my, isn't this confusing.


On September 11 2001 the world changed and yet it didn't. My world changed though. That day did not start a war, it only escalated one that had started before. On that day, I entered that war whether I liked it or not. But I entered it confused as to who was the enemy. On a larger level, Al Qaeda was the "enemy", obviously. But they were also the "enemy" on a personal level because they would potentially do harm to the woman I loved. If they were successful in bringing about their vision it would impact her. She is an intelligent, talented, beautiful woman who has something to offer the world. If they win, all that could be wasted as she would be consigned to a life not as a human being but as a piece of property. Because she is a Muslim woman who married me, an infidel, by Al Qaeda's view of Islam her punishment is death. And so, out of love, I must defend and protect her; I really have no choice. But also out of love, I must defend and protect her from people like the ignorant ass in the story I started this post with. In theory, he is my ally and compatriot in this war by virtue of his citizenship, but in reality that's not quite true. He is a person who would do potential harm to someone I love because of who she is. I must defend and protect her because I love her so he is my "enemy" also. So once again, I ask "Who is my enemy"? But I also ask "Why are they my enemy?"


The Next Step:


Why are they my enemy? Well I ponder this question and the answer gets complex. Take the ignorant ass for example. He is not my "enemy" per se, he is just another human being. He becomes my "enemy" when he acts on an idea that can harm someone I love. It is an emotional response that drives him to act on the idea which in turn carries out the idea. That emotional response is caused by the actions of others who did the same thing though with a "different" idea. Him being my "enemy" is based on the idea that he is wrong, but it is driven by an emotional response to him and his actions. My emotional response to him is one of anger based on an idea of right and wrong but the anger is derived from my emotion of love. The same holds true in terms of Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda is a movement, an idea. The actions of the people who are in Al Qaeda are driven by their emotional response to that idea which causes others to act on an emotional response to the same and other ideas which leads to even more ideas and more emotional responses. And so on and so on and so on. Culture, religion, science, philosophy, morals, ideologies, etc. etc., are the big grand "ideas" that govern and move our world. We may not think or even know about these grand ideas but they effect us at the personal level. Simultaneously, those effects cause us to do things which effect these ideas at a higher, larger level. As concepts, logic and emotion are opposite "realms" so to speak. But these opposites exist in each of us, so we deal with each everyday, every minute, every second. If we tried to organize the world on pure logic, we would most likely destroy ourselves which, paradoxically seems illogical. If we acted purely on emotion, we would not be humans, but simply another form of animal since emotions are really a form of instinct which is what drives the actions of animals. So there is a tug of war going on between both "realms" and this tug of war actually drives both "realms". What governs both of these "realms" and keeps one from overcoming the other is wisdom. Oddly enough, wisdom is derived from both logic and emotion. Is your head spinning yet? Mine is and I'm the one who is writing it. Now this is important to the subject of this post but is not the real subject of this post. However, you need to think about it and take it into account when you contemplate what you have read. With that I will move on.


So I still have to answer the question "How did I get here?" meaning this point in my life. At this point in my life I am a soldier in the United States Army. That army is involved in a war, a large war over big, grand ideas. I don't play any big role or make huge decisions concerning this war yet I still have a role. There is no one single reason I am involved in this war. There are many that have led me to be a part of it and these reasons are all interconnected in some way. One is my now ex-wife. Our marriage is over; it ended in 2006. She has remarried and has a good life. We are still friends, in fact I consider her one of my best friends. I still love her but in a different way. It's not a romantic love but something bigger and deeper. It's very hard to explain. It is also the topic of a different post at another time because to explain things would mean this post will never end. Suffice it to say, at the personal level, she is the reason I fight. I described her before as an intelligent, talented beautiful woman and that is true. She is so much smarter than I in so many ways. Because of those traits, because of who she is, she has something to offer the world. She has the potential to effect changes in a positive way. If she was consigned to a life of only making babies and serving a man; a life where she could not go to school, learn and make choices; a life as a second class person or even a piece of property then it would be a waste of a human being and the world would suffer for that loss. Not in any large way would it suffer but in some small way. And so, because I love her I fight for her in order that she live in a world where she can have choices and be free to be who she is. That is the emotional or personal level.


Since I see what I've just described in my ex-wife, it stands to reason that there are other Muslim women like her in the world today. There are, I know this because I have met them in so many different ways. Some are friends and family of hers. Others are total strangers whose stories I've read. One writes a blog I read and others comment on that blog. Each one in their own unique way have something to offer the world in the choices they make. If there are these women in the "Muslim world" then there must be more in other "worlds" also. Our world is small and interconnected so if the Al Qaeda idea "wins" it would effect these women also in the same way. Now, it also stands to reason that if there are women like this, there are also men who, if allowed to learn and question what effects their life, will make positive impacts on the world. Oh yeah, there are also children, some not born yet, who will do the same... if allowed. If I think the Al Qaeda idea "winning" will end the freedom of my ex-wife, then I must also conclude it will do the same to all these other people. So when I fight, it is for all of them. Not to impose one way on them, but to give them a world to choose what way they think is right and change their mind if they see fit. I will stand against totalitarianism no matter what name or form it takes. That is who I am because that is who I have become and I have become that person because that is my role in the grand scheme of things.


On Predestination:


A long time ago, I got into a debate with a guy about whether life was predetermined or not. Being in my twenties and headstrong, I totally disagreed. "No way something or someone had laid out my life and all the things I did were predetermined. I had free will and made my own choices". No matter how I argued it though, I could not win the argument. The other guy countered everything I said in a logical way. So I left the debate aggravated and refusing to accept the idea.


Later in life, after many experiences, some good and some bad, I started to come around to the idea that life is predetermined. It's a complicated story, but basically I started with the question why? So I mapped my life backwards, retracing the steps all the way. Not just the events, but also the people involved in those events and what had happened to them. Some things I know because those people are still around. Other things I don't. Some questions remain to be answered because time still marches on. What I began to see was all these interconnections and patterns. This led me to realize that the things that had happened in the past had to happen in order to bring about where I am today. But it's not just about me, it's about all the people who have had an effect or influence on me. Certain things had to happen to them in order for our lives to intersect. It grows and grows into this huge amount of interconnections between people throughout time and space. It's a very complex thought and hard to comprehend therefore hard to explain. The best way to do so is with examples which I will do in future posts or responses to comments.

The point is, things happen in our lives for a reason. We don't know what those reasons are when something happens because we don't see the effects right away. Sometimes we never see the effects. Sometimes we see the effects but there are so many degrees of separation that we don't know we contributed to them. When people think about whether life is predetermined, they think of it in terms of their life. In this context, it can be depressing because what's the point? If my life is predetermined and I have no say, I mind as well just sit back and let it happen. You see, that's the mistake. If my life is predetermined, then so is everyone elses' which means there is a bigger story going on that we all play a role in. Now go back and reread some things I have written about myself. The personal level and the higher level? My small role in a large war and the effects on myself and those around me. Maybe go back and read some past posts. Ask yourself the question why? Why did he write this? Why am I reading it? How did I even find this blog? Did I even find it or did it find me? What had to happen in order for me to be here right now reading these words? I would be curious to hear your stories.